(I received the following litany via e-mail--ultimate source unknown)

Dearest Lord:

For every string of lights that doesn't go out before New Year's, we thank You.
For not having a fire from bad wiring and overloaded circuits, we thank You.
For not coming up with an extra branch at the end of the tree assembly, we thank You.
For a parking space within a three-mile radius of WalMart, we beg You.
For still being able to stick on last year's bows, we thank You.
For 3M and all Scotch Tape, we thank You.
For batteries size C, D, and AA, we thank You.
For the cookies in the exchange that are better than our own, we thank You.
For department stores and malls that DON'T play "Gramma Got Run Over
By A Reindeer", we thank You.
For people behind counters who are still able to smile, we thank You.
For any special holiday programming that pre-empts the impeachment hearings, we especially thank You.
For not receiving ANY fruitcake, we thank You.
For ANY store open 24 hours, we thank You.

From people like Martha Stewart, who have all their shopping done, and
packages wrapped by the end of October, spare us, O Lord.
From relatives who come over on Christmas, turn on the TV and watch
football during our dinner, deliver us, O Lord.
From imbibing too heavily at the office party, and telling the boss
what we REALLY think of him, spare us, O Lord.
From completely maxing out our credit cards, deliver us, O Lord.
From eggnog with salmonella, spare us, O Lord.
From people who leave in the package of gizzards when they cook the
turkey, spare us, O Lord.
From loud, obnoxious-sounding toys, deliver us, Lord.
From ANY toy resembling a purple dinosaur, spare us, O Lord.

Let us pray...
Merciful God, please get us through this holiday season intact in
mind, heart, and spirit! Please help us to remember what the Holidays
are truly about... Forgive us when all the other things distract us,
because it's so easy to get distracted at this time!!! Help us to
share Your Love, and be kind to one another, even at these stressful
times; and to be grateful for all that we have- especially for those
gifts that cannot be wrapped, like kindness, patience, the love of
friends and family, and also forgiveness. Bless all Your Children
everywhere, this season, and always! AMEN!!!


©1998 C. David Hess

There has been a lot of controversy recently about the proposal that ebonics (essentially black slang) be taught as a second language in some California schools. Someone e-mailed me the ebonics version of the Lord's Prayer:

I like the ebonics version of the Lord's Prayer. The Gospel has always been translated into the language of the people whoever the people are. This is true on the deepest level even without a translation or paraphrase of the language. Peter Gomes, Preacher to Harvard University, has written in The Good Book:

It was at Pentecost that all people regardless of their language, cultural background, or diversity of personal experience heard God's word to them. It is still Pentecost.

©C. David Hess 1997

Bob Grant, our church's architect, told me last week that his computer had crashed. He had hired, at great expense, someone to try to retrieve his lost files. He called Michael Bullock, the pastor of Christ Episcopal Church in Manlius, to inform him that some work Bob was doing for his church would be delayed as a result. Rev. Bullock was very understanding and even composed a prayer for Bob. I quote it below with Bob's and Rev. Bullock's permission:

P.C. Also Stands for "Pastoral Care"

A Prayer for those in P.C. Peril

O Lord, who dost order all things, even that which existeth on a silicon chip: Hear our prayer for those in peril due to the mysterious and demonic inner workings of a personal computer. Save, we pray Thee, thy servant Robert from the ravages not only of architectural despair but also of sensing what a modern psalmist might describe as being broken like a potsherd or lost computer program.

Give to him, Lord, a sense of calm presence, knowing that he has been shown by thy most benevolent hand the way of all flesh and data, that he may rejoice at this vision, also knowing that at the last day, when he sits at thy feet for the time of judgment, the terror of thy wrath will suddenly be transformed to his mirth at the sight of thy divine index finger pushing the "delete" button on the file of his sins; that there being no record of fault he may then go from strength to strength in the life of perfect service and freedom in thy heavenly kingdom, where there is no pain nor grief and all the computers work.

We ask this--with "full justification" (because our software allows for it), in thy most gracious Name. Amen.

©1996 C. David Hess

I recently attended a convocation at the Divinity School in Rochester. It was a great convocation. While there I ran across a list of course offerings at the Divinity School. I thought you might be interested in some of them:

• Abraham & Sarah: The Dysfunctional Family in Antiquity A study of Biblical models of psychological integration and mental health.
• Reincarnation Vs. Resurrection A stunning new look at the Elvis Controversy. Refreshments provided.
• Termites, Hittites, & Edomites: Keeping the Church Pest-free A continuation of Biblical Entomology I
• Golf for Pastors Models of contemporary Church Mission & Administration Models of contemporary Church Mission & Administration. (I believe I am going to sign up for this one).
• Evil and Aggression A closer look at the 1992 Republican National Convention. Featured readings by R. Limbaugh and P. Buchanan.
• The Creation of Humanarchy A study of the theological problems of the oppression of felines, canines, and other ines by Homo sapiens. Examines the historic development of pet "ownership," "obedience training," and the commoditization of "domesticated animals." Challenges the Church to radical evangelization and liberation of our partners in Creation. Text: Bovine Praxis and Cleanup.
• Confession and Automation Reconsidering the Sacrament of Reconciliation in light of new technologies, such as 1-900 numbers and automated phone systems. (For Sins of the Omission, press 1 NOW; for Sins of the Flesh, press 2 NOW...)
• Songs White People Sing An introduction to the Euro-American Spirituals. Requires no sense of rhythm at all. Featured readings by Pat Boone & Connie Francis.
• Preaching the Word-Perfect Explores the personal computer applications for sermon preparation.
• The Forgotten Perspective in New Testament Studies An Eskimo examines the writings of the apostle Paul. (Parkas and snowshoes required).
• Dealing with Theologies and Physiologies in Transition Among the varied topics, course will consider "What to do when your paradigm shifts - with practical advise from a local chiropractor.
• More Views from the Bottom Re-examing the ancient food chain of Biblical times in light of new scientific evidence - were amoeba among "the least of these"?
• Cults Sects, and Hospitality: Loving the Witness at Your Doorstep The professor offers details of her own personal faith journey with members of the Watchtower Society.
• A Whiter Shade of Pale: The History of Dead White Men in the Church A continuation of Exhuming the Patriarchs.
• Creative Television Ministries A "hands-on approach" to televised appliance healing, Faith Healing of Troublesome Cellulite Areas, and Hair Regeneration Lifetime Prayer Partnerhips. Free Gift and genuine Corinthian leatherette carrying case for first 10 respondents! ACT NOW!
• Development of Modern Heresy: The History of Colgate Rochester Divinity School Formerly offered as "All You Know Is Wrong"

In case you haven’t figured it out, this list of course offerings is a spoof written by a Divinity School student or students.


©C. David Hess

I received a letter the other day from Sheree and Tim Hall (Tim taught at Colgate a few years ago. They and Alethea and Ian are doing fine. Knowing my off beat sense of humor, they included the following publication. I include it here fully believing that God also has a sense of humor):

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

One of the nice things about sending kids off to college is their sending back all the things they discover out there. Chris John Carter at Oberlin recently e-mailed me "God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire." It is a spoof of the all too prevalent attitude that God is primarily there to meet our felt needs. I believe that Will Willimon is right when he writes that our felt needs are often the result of sin rather than the path to salvation. God's primary goal for us is not to meet our felt needs, but to replace them with the needs He wants us to feel. For example, He would want to replace our hunger for more worldly trinkets with a hunger and thirst after righteousness. For what it's worth here it is:

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ Television
___ Word of Mouth
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Other Book
___ Near Death Experience
___ Other (specify):

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

___ Tarot
___ Horoscope
___ Fortune cookies
___ Self-help books
___ Biorhythms
___ Mantras
___ Insurance policies
___ Lottery
___ Television
___ Ann Landers
___ Sex
___ Alcohol or drugs
___ Other:
___ None3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)

1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)

1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheets if necessary):

I am writing these words just after I have played 18 holes of golf. Monday is not really my day off, but it was just too nice a day to pass up the opportunity. One of my fellow pastors tempted me into doing it. I in turn tempted another pastor to leave his duties and indulge in the game.I don't have much talent for golf, but I have a great talent for tempting others to take off from work and play the game. I find that in temptation a heavy dose of theology works well (Satan also tried this with Jesus). My most effective lines are: "This is the day which the Lord hath made for golf." & "It would be a sin not to play golf on a day like today."

I do believe there is some good theology here. There is an old Jewish saying to the effect that on Judgment Day God will hold us each responsible for His good gifts that we did not enjoy. In that sense it would have been a sin not to have played golf today (those of you who really had to work are excused).

There is that part of the Christian message which tells us to deny ourselves and take up our crosses. That is certainly a valid part of the biblical message. However, we need to hear the equally valid part of the biblical message that God desires us to enjoy His creation and His good gifts.

This is the theme of one of my favorite poems (I don't know the author):

If you are ever looking for a golf game, give me a call. My schedule is always flexible.


©C. David Hess

There was an interesting article in the magazine section of the Sunday New York Times some time ago. Its headline read: "Defiantly Incorrect; Cartoonist John Callahan makes fun of the blind, the crippled, people without arms or hearing. How does he get away with it?"

Some samples of his humor:

Geraldo Rivera on his knees saying his bedtime prayers, "Thank you, God, for all the tragedy, wretchedness and perversion in the world."

A man saying, "Call me a gimp, call me a cripple, call me paralyzed for life, but just don't call me something that I'm not."

A cartoon called "The Alzheimer Hoedown," depicted confused couples at a square dance. They were wandering around scratching their heads unable to follow the instructions to "return to the girl that you just left."

How does he get away with such humor? You begin to understand when you find out Callahan himself is paralyzed.

His cartoons have produced a lot of angry responses, but not from the handicapped and the diseased. They have most often expressed appreciation.

Here is an example of the truth of Conrad Hyer's words: "...humor...may ...express a certain heroic defiance in the face of life's most crushing defeats, an unquenchable nobility of spirit that refuses to permit a given fate or oppressor to have the last word---to be absolute. The human spirit has not been utterly vanquished. The will to live and the determination to continue the struggle, or the faith that the struggle will be continued, has not been finally conquered. Where there is humor there is still hope" (emphasis is mine).

I believe we find echoes of this too in Hebrews 12:2: "...Jesus who, for the sake of the joy that lay ahead of him, endured the cross, making light of its disgrace..."


©C. David Hess